And Why Psychological Safety Matters More Than Perfect Language
When leaders decide to speak up to a boss or someone influential, the impulse is often, “I just need to say it right.”
But the truth is, difficult conversations rarely fail because leaders lack courage. They fail because stress, resentment, or self-protection sneaks into the language undermining the very clarity the leader is trying to bring.
This post isn’t about scripting the “perfect” conversation.
It’s about helping you avoid language that quietly works against you, even when your intentions are good.
What Not to Say (and Why)
Below are common phrases leaders use when they’re nervous, frustrated, or trying not to rock the boat and why they tend to backfire.
❌ “This might just be me, but…”
Why it hurts:
This immediately weakens your credibility and signals that your experience isn’t solid.
What it communicates:
“I don’t fully trust my perspective.”
❌ “I don’t want to be difficult, but…”
Why it hurts:
It frames your concern as a problem before you’ve even stated it.
What it communicates:
“Please don’t punish me for speaking.”
❌ “Everyone feels this way.”
Why it hurts:
It puts others on the defensive and invites debate about accuracy instead of impact.
What it communicates:
“I’m speaking for people who aren’t in the room.”
❌ “You always…” or “You never…”
Why it hurts:
Absolutes trigger defensiveness and shift the conversation into proving you wrong.
What it communicates:
“This is a character judgment, not an observation.”
❌ “I’m just venting.”
Why it hurts:
It undermines the seriousness of the conversation and signals you don’t expect anything to come from it.
What it communicates:
“I don’t believe this deserves action.”
❌ “It’s fine – don’t worry about it.”
Why it hurts:
When it’s clearly not fine, this trains others not to take you seriously in the future.
What it communicates:
“I’ll absorb this, even if it costs me.”
What These Phrases Have in Common
Most of these statements are attempts to stay safe:
- Safe from conflict
- Safe from being labeled difficult
- Safe from consequences
But safety through self-minimizing language often creates the opposite effect:
You leave the conversation feeling unseen, unheard, and smaller.
Clarity is not aggression.
Directness is not disrespect.
A Word About Psychological Safety (This Matters)
Before you speak, it’s important to assess the environment you’re in.
Psychological safety means:
- You can raise concerns without fear of retaliation
- Mistakes and questions are met with curiosity, not punishment
- Power is exercised with accountability
If psychological safety is low, speaking up may require a different approach:
- Documenting patterns instead of addressing them once
- Seeking allies or mentors
- Clarifying your boundaries internally
- Preparing for change rather than confrontation
Not every workplace is safe for vulnerability and acknowledging that is not weakness. It’s discernment.
You are never obligated to risk your well-being in the name of being brave.
A Closing Reminder
You don’t need perfect words to lead with integrity.
You need grounded intention, self-respect, and clarity about what you’re willing to carry.
Sometimes leadership looks like speaking.
Sometimes it looks like preparing.
Sometimes it looks like leaving.
What matters is that you don’t disappear in the process.